Sleeping In the Rain

The free verse that wouldn't let me sleep:

Self loathing at it's finest.

Hidden like the secret of life from everyone around you,

it's in plain sight though screaming!

Screaming at them through those cliche smiles

that no one cares to ask about because 

we've grown numb and selfish.

They see it all the time,

when I look longingly at empty space;

it mirrors how I feel inside.

Or when my lip trembles in a crowded room

and my eyes sting with pain,

but they take it as misplaced emotion.

"It's better off not to ask, I'm sure it's nothing"

 these are the valid excuses their minds generate.

It drives me like the moon drives the tide.

I'm a hostage in plain sight,

but none has saved me from my captor.

It's after these many failed attempts at escape,

that I choose to give in.

The shadow suffocating me becomes a comfort

I start with a weak hug, signifying my surrender,

 but depression is greedy

 and it craves more of me.

My life becomes a black and white film,

 as I waltz to and fro hugging 

the new founded comfort tight to my chest.

It makes suggestions, 

that at first seem horrifying to me.

But with time I find peace in

 tears, solitude and harm.

The punishment isn't a means to leave,

 but rather an ability to compensate.

A punishment for being broken.
Utterly broken.
Broken beyond repair.

The slicing and slow leak of what holds

 me together makes amends.

It satisfies the unspoken need of the world,

 that my captor has convinced me is needed.

Thus I fall further out of balance, 

and to a darker place still

 - hoping to be saved.

And yet, feeling so safe that no one

 will ever answer this cause.

Self loathing at it's finest.